Kids and Gender Norms — Guidance on Supporting a Child’s Exploration

January 27, 2023 Common Ground

by: LJ Donnell

Kids and Gender Norms — Guidance on Supporting a Child’s Exploration

There has been a necessary rise in discussions concerning our societal definitions of gender in the last few decades. What is gender? How does it relate to sex? How do we talk about these complex concepts with our children and when is it appropriate? As teachers and parents, we have become necessarily more aware of what our children could be trying to communicate to us, and how we can work with each other as a team to give children the best, nurturing environment we can. It can feel very difficult to navigate at times.

It is necessary to define “Gender” before we move forward, so that we are all on the same page. The World Health Organization defines gender as: The characteristics of women, men, girls and boys that are socially constructed. This includes norms, behaviors and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other. As a social construct, gender varies from society to society and can change over time.

Why are children drawn to gender exploration?

Gender exploration and curiosity in children is not new. In fact, most children up to elementary school age have a very fluid understanding of gender constructs, especially the societal expressions of them. They are absorbing as much information as they can from the time they are born in order to understand the world and people they will live among their whole lives. An essential part of this exploration is imaginative/role play. According to this Open Government Access article, “Social pretend play is an activity through which children may acquire and train social-cognitive, emotional, and social skills. In particular, pretend play allows children to create different make-believe scenarios in which they can take on different roles and perspectives.” Children that engage in high quality social play have higher cognitive abilities, emotional regulation, and social connections with their peers. A key part of this “high quality” play is something called “decentration,” which means scenarios not involve their perspective. The more they step outside what they’ve experienced, the more engaged they are with others. This may involve dressing as a firefighter, but it also may involve a son dressing as a mother. Quashing this natural instinct to learn and explore situations/people/things they don’t know or understand can lead to fear of those things. These are the roots of sexism, racism, ethnocentrism, and a general prejudice against things that they simply do not understand.

Humans are social creatures. We want to emulate people we admire, we want to like what our friends like and do what our friends do. In short, we want to feel included. If dressing as an older sibling, cousin, or beloved grownup helps them feel closer to that person, they will want to do so. The same can be seen in peer groups. If a child mostly connects with children of another gender, or is in a situation where most of their peers relate to another gender, they will want to explore and emulate what that looks like.

Clothes are one of the first everyday ways that kids can exert power of expression in their own, personal world. They will want to wear colors that appeal to them. They will want to wear fabrics that feel comfortable, or do not restrict their movement. They will want to wear clothes that help them feel confident, or have looked really cool/pretty/etc. on someone else. It is possible they have sensory issues and find certain clothes too itchy or restrictive. This will lead into the next point of discussion on gender and children.

A discussion of the early and, frankly, odd gender separation of children’s attire.

Despite the leaps forward we have made in the support of gender discussion and expression, Gender Stereotypes in Children’s Clothing is still insidious and rampant. The little kid clothing sections of any department store are still separated into the Boys’ and Girls’ sections, and are promoting harmful and arbitrary gender stereotypes. The article linked above from Raffia Magazine and this one from the New York Times both delve deeply into the divide, and it is shocking.

“Girls Clothing” is often all bright colors and sparkles, sequins and tulle. The animals present on them are rounded, soft, cute, docile. The pants are always skin tight and rarely have pockets. There are a plethora of top options to choose from, from tank tops and t-shirts to dresses and sweaters. There are always cute bows paired with them. It has been much more widely accepted in society for girls to wear baggier clothing, fewer pastels, and to revel in a love of science and dirt. However, there is still a subtle notion that “real girls” buy from a girls section filled with messages that women are cute, gentle, sweet, and willing to be uncomfortable to look good for others.

“Boy Clothing” is often much more practical, and has a lot of pockets. They get complex machines on their clothing, and their animals are always fierce. Their colors are often fairly drab if they’re not the basic primary colors. There’s no glitter or accessories in sight. According to NAEYC, in US society today, children who are assigned male at birth receive far more intense scrutiny. We, as a society, are far more okay with other genders dressing “like boys'' than we seem to be with boys dressing any other way. A boy wearing something as innocuous as a unicorn sweater will get double-takes at the supermarket, let alone a sundress. This creates a very clear divide between “MEN” and “THE REST” that fuels toxic masculinity on several levels. Boys must dress like boys or they are somehow less. Any inclination to express themselves outside the boys section must clearly be a mistake or defect, rather than just a personal preference. Following this thread, men who wear jewelry or tight pants or even bright colors become “not real men,” including men from other cultures and subcultures that do not subscribe to one’s personal societal definition. This seemingly simple division of clothes is not the primary reason these prejudices exist, but it is a very clear indicator of something deeply wrong in our practices, and something we should consider.

“Gender Neutral” clothing, as of right now, is basically a hyper standard, blank uniform of tshirts or longsleeves, basic pants or basic shorts in block colors for everyone. Referring to the section on “boy clothing” above, of course there’s not a skirt or sparkly sock to be seen. While this is perfectly fine for babies, toddlers will want to start seeing themselves in their clothing choices. They will see others in more widely varying clothes.

ALL OF US EXPRESS OUR GENDER IN DIFFERENT WAYS. No one completely conforms to gender norms, or even the same gender norms, their whole lives. Men’s fashion has seen pink and lace, high heels and makeup. Especially now, with fashion being on a global stage, we have seen more combinations of cultural styles than ever before.

Even within our culture, each one of us has experimented with different looks, different styles, and found what we are most comfortable with. If a child finds they like all pink, or all blue, or really don’t care as long as it is comfortable, that’s great! If they find that they are a hodgepodge mess of tulle and cargo shorts with an excavator bow in their hair, fantastic! But we have already set them up to be uncomfortable moving in between the segregated sections from the get-go. Making it strange (frightening) to want to try something as small as a skirt or a differently colored sneaker is not setting them up to be brave scholars of the world. It can also alienate children who come from cultures with different definitions of what gendered clothing looks like.

Transgender/non-gender specific children.

Some children do begin to persistently identify with a gender different from their assigned sex at a very young age. In this peer reviewed article from NAEYC on Gender Expression and Identity, PhDs Stephanie Feeney and Nancy Freeman discuss how to navigate the child’s exploration and journey while working as a team to support them. They emphasize that this identification comes from within. Any external gender expression is caused by what they feel inside, not by the clothes they are wearing or the toys they are playing with. Hindering safe exploration of themselves is the only harmful thing that can be done to a young child.

WHAT WE CAN DO AS A TEAM:

NAEYC STATES: Our role as educators is to create a safe and reflective space for children to develop their identities and to counterbalance gender stereotypes. We consider it an ethical responsibility to respect children’s gender and self-determination.

We, as educators, are bound by our duty to the children in our charge. We must use the most up-to-date knowledge we can so that we are providing the best loving care that all children deserve. We are also deeply dedicated to the Teacher/Parent team, because what is best for the child is an upbringing where their grownups work together and communicate. Conscious Discipline says that how we adults treat our peers is almost more influential than how we treat them. A NAEYC core value is to Recognize that children and adults achieve their full potential in the context of relationships that are based on trust and respect.

Be Supportive: Whether or not a child is gender nonconforming, roleplaying, or simply likes clothing/activities that don’t match a traditional gender role, meet them with love, interest, and compassion. Each child is unique. They are not going to fit comfortably into any box we form because no person is exactly like another. We must take the time both as parents and educators to get to know each child with patience and love so that we may help THAT child, and every child, grow.
Listen to the Child: A child’s dignity matters. A child’s contributions matter. They are not our toys, they are real humans with real, complex human emotions.
Encourage Others to be Supportive: Even if you support your child, you may be tempted to have them shy away from gender non-conforming activities out of fear that they may be hurt and bullied by others. This is why it is so important to have gender discussions with all children from an early age so that they understand how important this is. You should also have discussions with other adults that will be in your child’s life. If they cannot offer the support your child needs, set up boundaries around them, NOT the child who is simply wishing to learn and explore their world.
Stay Educated: At the bottom of this article there will be a list of recommended books and articles to read by yourself, as well as several children’s books. Be open-minded, ready to listen, and have the understanding that we all want what’s best for the kids. A lot of these come NAEYC recommended, which is amazing because ours was a very similar list.
Keep up a Dialogue: Parents, Teacher, Director, and other professionals on the child’s team should be kept abreast of news and an open respectful dialogue should be kept open. We understand there are often religious and cultural obstacles; we do not wish to insult or over-talk anyone when we all want what’s best for any child.

To sum up, allowing your child to wear clothing, play games, and act how they choose (so long as it is safe and respectful of others) is never going to hurt them. Supporting who they are as they grow is the key to any child’s success. Stifling their wonder and curiosity is not going to stop them from being who they are, it is simply damaging their relationship with you and other people on several levels. Quashing who they are makes your love and support seem conditional. Even if they are cisgender, this could make the love and support they offer others conditional, which is tragic indeed. Let your kids wear the tutu and soccer cleats.

Love,

Your CG Family