Handling Upset: What We Learned in Our First Discussions
Both discussion groups have now met to talk through the first three Handling Upset videos: the Adult-First Mindset, the Foundations of Behavior and Upset, and the Brain State Model. Thank you to everyone who came, shared, and listened.
Conscious Discipline isn’t something we roll out once. It’s a discipline we practice over and over.
Common Ground is already well down this path. Now we get to level it up. Below are the takeaways that came up most, many in your own words, plus a few things to try before we meet again.
Takeaways for Teachers
1Regulation starts with us
A regulated adult can help a dysregulated child find calm. A dysregulated adult, though, can pull even a calm child into upset. Whatever is happening in our classrooms comes back first to our own regulation.
We don’t have to regulate in secret. Saying “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Who wants to breathe with me?” names the feeling, takes away some of its power, and models the skill we want children to learn. One teacher shared that on a hard day, her preschoolers drew her pictures and helped her regulate.
“Sometimes it’s easier to punish outward than to look inward.”A teacher’s reflection on tired, frustrating days
2Get curious about your triggers — and the “why” behind them
Knowing our triggers is a start. Asking why something pushes our buttons goes deeper. Many of our reactions come from the “playlist” we absorbed growing up. Understanding the why is how we start to rewrite it.
3Safety, then connection, then problem solving
The three core components follow the Brain State Model:
| Brain state | The child is asking | What we provide |
|---|---|---|
| Survival | Am I safe? | Safety, through routines and predictability |
| Emotional | Am I loved? | Connection, through rituals |
| Executive | Ready to learn | Problem solving: conflict is where learning happens |
If a classroom is struggling, look first at routines and rituals. Are routines clear and posted with picture visuals? Do we have rituals that say “I love you”? Routines and rituals are curriculum. Time spent on them now pays back all year.
4Behavior is communication
There are no bad kids. Only children who are still learning. When behavior isn’t what we hoped, the child is telling us they need connection or they have a skill gap. A child who grabs or hits to get a toy wanted the toy and didn’t yet have the skills to wait or use words.
5Get curious before deciding what happened
We usually see only the tail end of a conflict. Asking “I don’t know what happened. Can you tell me how we got here?” makes a connection instead of a judgment. Teachers shared that once they started asking, children began solving their own problems.
6Consciousness is more powerful than consequences
Being present in the moment, instead of jumping ahead to what happens next, lets us respond to what the child actually needs. Consequences still matter. Positive intent is the love we pour in, and natural, firm consequences are the cup that holds it. Without the cup, love just makes a mess. Consequences are a teaching tool, not punishment.
7Don’t forget the quiet ones
Loud behavior gets our attention, but quiet children need connection too. Several teachers shared how a small daily moment with a child who tends to hide (a joke about their jacket, noticing a song that made them laugh) grew into a real bond. Those children often light up at school and tell their families everything at home.
8Our children are forgiving — let’s also teach them to be assertive
Since we began Conscious Discipline, children are far less afraid of classmates who struggle. Kids now say things like “he’s still learning to be a super friend.” That’s a big shift.
The next step: forgiving doesn’t mean “it’s okay.” We want children to be able to say, “I’m ready to move on, but it’s not okay to hit me.” That is the skill of assertiveness.
9Mistakes are how we learn — for adults too
It’s not the mistake that matters, it’s what we do after. We can’t go back and fix the past, and we can’t predict the future. What we can do is be present now, learn, and keep going with an open heart. That includes forgiving ourselves.
The Seven Powers and Their Skills
Keep your Skills on a String card handy. The scripts are on the back. Each Power unlocks a skill:
| Power | Skill |
|---|---|
| Perception | Composure |
| Attention | Assertiveness |
| Unity | Encouragement |
| Free Will | Choice |
| Acceptance | Empathy |
| Love | Positive Intent |
| Intention | Consequences |
Try This Week
- Name your feelings out loud. “I’m frustrated. I’m going to take a breath.” We get more of what we model.
- Notice one trigger, and pause. Then ask yourself why it gets to you.
- Ask before you decide. “What happened before ___?”
- Check your visuals. If you’re repeating the same reminders all day, a picture routine never gets tired of reminding. Try making it with the children.
- Find one quiet child and create a small daily moment with them.
- Use “school family” language. Each child has a school family and a home family. Together, they make the Common Ground community.
- Practice “You seem ___. You wanted ___.” For example: “You seem frustrated. You wanted the red truck.”
Coming Up Next
- Watch Video 4 only before our next discussion. You’re also welcome to rewatch any video you’ve already seen.
- Watch during work when you can. We’re working to build in time, including coverage so you can step out of the classroom.
- If you watch outside work hours, please let us know so you can be paid for that time. All training time is paid.
- Our next discussion is Tuesday, October 27. We’ll share the schedule each week.
These discussions are also a place to workshop what’s happening in your classroom. Bring your questions, your wins, and your “oops” moments. We’re learning this together.
