Emotional Resilience - The First Days of School
The First Day of School is FULL OF EMOTIONS!
And not just from our students! Teachers, Parents, Bus Drivers, Admins, even pets feel the change in our schedules.
Flip flops are exchanged for sneakers. Swimsuits and goggle are exchanged for books and pens. There are new routines, new friends, new rules.
Here at Common Ground we experience the beginning of school from all sides. A lot of our school-aged kids have been with us since they were babies! When they get off the bus, all we want to see is a HUGE, confident smile on their faces after a long, successful day.
Brace yourselves, friends, because the reality is, they are just as likely to come off the bus crying. If it’s not the first day, it may be the fifth, or the ninth day when the novelty wears off and the anxiety and fatigue kicks in.
It is totally normal for a kid to be bewildered, overwhelmed, or even angry about what seem to you to be the littlest things.
Even so, this can be a lot to process. In the moment, you may not know what to do or say! Having experienced this ourselves with LOTS of kids as teachers and parents, we have some perspective and tips to share with you.
FOCUS ON THE WHOLE.
When you ask your child how their day went, we know you really, really just want for it to have all gone well. It hurts your heart when the first thing (or the only thing) they bring up are all the bad and sad things that happened to them! You might be inclined to say “let’s focus on the good things! forget the bad, tell me the good!” in an effort to help reshape their perspective. Ignoring the bad does not change their perspective. It just makes them feel like those feelings are shameful, or that they’re wrong for feeling that way. They may even try to hide their worries and negative feelings from you. Worries and negative feelings are as natural as victories and good feelings, and should be honored with the same weight.
Allowing each child to speak. One of the tricks we noticed works really well with kids, especially if there are multiple kids around the dinner table who want to share bits from their day, is to take turns sharing one thing at a time. We go around the table and share one good thing each, then one bad thing, then one weird thing. We keep going around until everyone is shared out.
The round robin mentioned above may not work if a kiddo has a big worry or problem to share. They also may not want to share it with an audience! Taking them one-on-one for a moment to let them talk it all out may be required before they can even focus on finding a good thing to share. Whether you are comforting them, helping them find a solution, or just simply honoring their feelings, you are letting them be heard. That is sometimes all they need.
Finding good things to say about the day is still important. Sometimes we are inclined to give more attention to issues and worries because we are trying to honor them! This is good, but we want to be engaged with their positive stories too. When they are sharing, be sure to give them your full attention. Ask questions, give them specific feedback, show you are interested! We have found that having a specific “cell-phone parking” place for these conversations is incredibly helpful for everyone involved. We get so much more out of something that has our complete attention.
Remember: What you focus on, you get more of. Giving each share equal value and weight will encourage them to share everything, not just the things that get them the most praise or comfort. It will help them honor their day with a more objective perspective.
Whatever they share, the good, the bad, and the weird, show your gratitude. Thank them for sharing their whole day with you, and for discussing solutions for any sticky bits! This will remind them that, no matter what, you are a safe space. Don’t forget to share YOUR day with them too! Your victories, your frustrations (obviously ones they can handle and help with), and moments when you felt you weren’t your best. This reminds them that you are human, that you are not perfect, and certainly do not expect your loved ones to be.
THERE IS NO “PERFECT.”
There are no perfect days. There are no perfect people. Perfect is an enemy of the Good, and expecting perfection only leads to disappointment. THIS IS NOT A NEGATIVE STATEMENT! This is freeing, and empathetic, and forgiving. It allows for a day to be GOOD even if a bunch of things didn’t go right. It allows for a friend to be a good friend even if they don’t alway get along. It allows for a child to know they are amazing, no caveats required. We are all intimately familiar with fear of failure. We all know those days where it feels like one misstep spoils the rest of the dance. It is incredibly hard to remember, when we are upset, to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to not take others’ actions personally.
Scenario 1: Your child is upset because they feel like their teacher did not call on them as much as other people. Honor that feeling! Let them know that it may very well be true. But also remind them that Teachers are not perfect. Remind them that it’s their teacher’s first week of school with nineteen new children they need to get to know, so maybe they just made a mistake! This lets the child know that it’s not a “vs. them” situation, that they can give their trusted adults the benefit of the doubt.
Scenario 2: Your child is upset because they had friction with their friend. This is disappointing! This is uncomfortable! No one likes this, and let them know that. Remind them that friction is normal, and is important for growth and learning to talk to each other with honesty. Remind them that our friends have bad days too, and they are learning to express themselves too. EVERYTHING TAKES PRACTICE, including friendship!
Scenario 3: Your child is mad at you because, while you were running late for the bus this morning, you snapped at them to put on their shoes. Apologize. Let them know that parents are not perfect. This is a good reminder for you too. you are not perfect! Forgive yourself, practice, and grow. Let your child know that you were frustrated, that you should not have acted that way, and encourage them to discuss solutions with you for how to avoid rushing in the morning. This is where you could encourage them to, perhaps, have their shoes on by a certain time. This empowers them with responsibility, and creates a “team” out of a blame/vs. situation.
WHAT WE CAN CONTROL/WHAT WE CAN’T CONTROL: We cannot make others feel or act the way we want them to. But that means they cannot make us feel or act any particular way either. Kids want control over their world as much as we do, and they want us to help them find peace within themselves. We cannot MAKE them feel happy or grateful or confident. We can help them find the tools to do that on their own.
Check out our posts on DEEP BREATHS to help you and your kiddos regulate your own emotions.
We cannot control how others feel and react. Work hard to hope for the best for everyone in your life. WISH WELL.
TOOLS OF THE TRADE: We don’t have all the answers! Check out some of these resources that we recommend to help with emotional resilience, gratitude, conflict resolution, and communication. This list will be updated often, so come and check it out!:
Chrysanthemum: A First Day of School Book by Kevin Hankes: Chrysanthemum thinks her name is absolutely perfect—until her first day of school. "You're named after a flower!" teases Victoria. "Let's smell her," says Jo. Chrysanthemum wilts. What will it take to make her blossom again?
Ninja Life Hacks: Books for Emotions and Feelings: Life is tough. But so are you! The new children’s book series, Ninja Life Hacks, was developed to help children learn valuable life skills. Fun, pint-size characters in comedic books easy enough for young readers, yet witty enough for adults.
Ninja Life Hacks: Books for a Growth Mindset: The new social emotional learning children's book series, Ninja Life Hacks, was developed to help children learn valuable life skills. Fun, pint-size characters in comedic books easy enough for young readers, yet witty enough for adults.
Doggyland - Kids Songs and Nursery Rhymes: Snoop Dog is ready to use his vast talents to teach our kids social-emotional skills!
Essential Bluey Episodes: Bluey is an amazing children’s show on Disney+ with some incredibly key episodes for overcoming emotional obstacles:
Bin Night: Bingo is being teased by a new child in her class, and has conversations about it with her parents over the course of a month.
Bike: When Bluey becomes frustrated with riding her bike, her dad, Bandit, has Bluey watch her little sister Bingo and friends trying difficult things.
Dance Mode and Yoga Ball: Dance Mode and Yoga Ball are all about finding your voice and standing up for your feelings, especially with people you love!
Pass the Parcel: This is an episode about learning that disappointment is a natural feeling when losing, but that it does not have to define your fun!
Most importantly, keep an open channel of communication with you and your teachers! Conscious Discipline’s idea of “The School Family” insists up on the fact that you, your child, and your child’s teacher all want the same thing: For Students to grow up safe, healthy, happy, and confident. Giving each other honesty, communication, and the benefit of the doubt is key to strengthening those bonds and giving your child a firm foundation.
What kind of obstacles did your child have on the first day of school? How did you handle them? What kind of tools do you wish you or your child have? Let us know in the comments!
Conscious Discipline: The Art and Necessity of Wishing Well
What is “Wishing well” and how is it helpful day to day?
Wishing well is a way to instantly calm ourselves, and offer love and caring to others.
It is in our very building blocks to be helpful. When others are upset we want to make it better, but do not often have the tools to do so!
“Wishing Well” is a way for children to help others when there is no tangible way to offer their help.
To wish well:
1) Put your hands over your heart.
2) Take a deep breath in.
3) Pause and picture something precious in your mind
4) breathe out while opening your arms and sending those precious, loving thoughts out to the person you are wishing well.
The Wish Well Board is used for the class-wide Wish Well Ritual that you can also utilize at home. When a child is absent, moving to another school, has arrived late or is in need of support for other reasons, place the child’s picture or name in the heart inside your Wish Well Board. At home, you can “wish well” those whom you miss, who are sick, who are experiencing big events (tests, new jobs, tryouts, a new home, a new school, or a new baby arriving), and anyone who seems to be struggling.
During your Wish Well Ritual a song can be key to making connections with the other people in your group and cementing the good feelings into the wish! Conscious Discipline has songs like “We Wish You Well” on Songs for I Love You Rituals Volume 2 or “I Wish You Well” on It Starts in the Heart (in English and Spanish).
You may purchase a Wish Well Board, or create your own using a magnetic cookie sheet and magnets or foam board and velcro.
How to Use Wish Well in the Elementary Age Bedroom
Life can be complicated, families and friends can be separated by vast distances, and personal struggles abound. Yet, there is always something we can do to demonstrate our loving concern and connect with those we care for: We can wish them well. The Wish Well Board provides a visual way to aid children in wishing others well and helps adults remember to take a quiet moment, too.
Families can use the Wish Well Board from Conscious Discipline or a homemade one. Wishing well generates an internal cascade of feel-good neurochemicals and hormones that boost positive feelings.
Your Wish Well Ritual is easily incorporated into your morning routine as part of a Brain Smart way to start the day, but some children will also benefit from a personal Wish Well Board or routine in their rooms. This enables them to “visit” with the photos of loved ones and offer loving wish wells privately as well as in a group setting with the whole family.
From the bottoms of our hearts, we wish you well! Have a wonderful day!
Your CG Family
Conscious Discipline Spotlight: Clearing up Misconceptions
Social-Emotional Learning has been on the rise in schools since the nineties, and we at Common Ground are eager to continue that trend.
As many of you know, we have been learning and promoting the study and lifestyle of Conscious Discipline as a center. We have been taking and retaking the courses (Ms. Victoria is on her second time through! I personally listen to the audio and then watch the videos to help get a firmer grasp on the subject matter) in order to appropriately apply the lessons to all of our classrooms. We hope to encourage our parents to take the course with us in time (stay tuned!) so that we can teach our kiddos how to speak confidently and kindly with their hearts.
Teaching with Love is much more powerful and long lasting than Teaching with Fear.
But sadly, this is a rather new concept in education and parenting, and it’s receiving backlash from those who refuse to grow themselves.
This article came out today. It brought to our attention some arguments against Social Emotional Learning programs in schools. The immediate and long-lasting benefits of teaching your child the inner disciplines of emotional self-awareness and problem solving through empathy are essential to our growth as a species, so I would personally like to clear up some of the misconceptions presented.
All learning begins at birth. Children begin learning the second they open their eyes. Everything is new and without context, so they turn to their caregivers for guidance. Children begin mimicking and responding to parents and teachers as early as three months. No Small Matter is an eye-opening documentary all about the essential roll early childhood educators play in the lives of children, starting with newborns. How you interact with babies, when you interact with babies, what responses you give to different emotions and behaviors, children absorb these calls and responses, these cause and effect relationships, like little sponges. Learning to calm yourself, learning to deal with frustration, learning how to communicate those feelings and frustrations in an appropriate way with peers and adults, all of this begins to happen before the age of 2. They have friends they “parallel play” with starting at 18 months. They are playing WITH each other by the age of 3. Imagine how overwhelming a disagreement with a friend is when you have all the social tools you have now can be.
There are parents who are questioning the validity of these emotional regulation practices and their usefulness in elementary school. They even suggested the notion that Guidance Counselors in grade school are an invasive waste of money. If children primarily learn through social interaction with adults and peers, how could giving them the tools to navigate those interactions with clear communication and confidence be anything but essential?
Awareness is not Encouragement. One of the arguments against SEL is the notion that it makes kids face social issues they “don’t need to know about yet.” They are even using the scare tactic that SEL “advertises suicide.” Making a child aware of their feelings can only be helpful. It gives their anxieties and frustrations names. It encourages them to untangle their thoughts and focus on keeping calm.
Becoming aware of problems in the world and personal stressors does not make them manifest, it simply sheds a light of what’s already there. Children primarily learn how to interact with their world by watching adults interact with each other, not how adults interact with them personally. They know so much more than we give them credit for. Conversely, trying to hide or dismiss their feelings does not make them any less real, and only encourages them to hide/bury any issues they have. These don’t go away, they just get expressed as anger and distrust down the line. Mental and Emotional Health issues are not on the rise, we are simply becoming more aware of them. We are seeing the multi-generational effects they have on entire families and communities. Social Emotional Learning SAVES lives because we are learning about these toxic behaviors that have defined our teaching for so long. Instead of trying to hide them again, we should be working to eradicate them once and for all.
Emotional stress affects academic achievement. A child that cannot calm down is a distracted learner. A child that fights with their peers is a disruptive learner. A child that is afraid to fail is a stressed learner. A child who thinks their only value comes from achievement and academic prowess will do anything they can to achieve perfection. If they do not have a safe space to express their negative feelings and sort through their fears, they will find other outlets in the form of one addiction or another. Conscious Discipline has been recognized by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration’s (SAMHSA’s) National Registry of Evidence-based Programs and Practices (NREPP), which promotes the adoption of scientifically established behavioral health interventions. Social Emotional Learning is key in helping avoid substance abuse in children. The notion that “children should only focus on their academic progress” is privileged, because some children do not have a choice. Acknowledging that their are factors in a child’s life that matter besides academics is just acknowledging reality.
Your child is not raised in a vacuum. I am a parent. I am a teacher. I am slowly becoming trained in Conscious Discipline. I am still not everything my children need, and I do not pretend to be. My children have been nurtured by trained childhood education professionals. They have been taught by teachers with a strong background in education. I love them with all my heart, but I am not a trained counselor. I am not a history teacher, a math teacher, a science teacher. I am a single, biased human being. I am so incredibly fortunate that my children have a fleet of adults who can teach them so many things I can’t. A lot of these parents are arguing that the emotional and mental health “stuff” should all be dealt with at home. Just holding that belief implies that those lessons and obstacles are private matters to be hidden or ashamed of. Learning how to treat your friends and how to talk to your loved ones in times of friction or stress is JUST as essential as learning your numbers, and so much harder to learn later in life. Teachers that have gone through social emotional training are trained in programs written by health and education professionals. They have gone through rigorous testing and years of classroom observations. They have proven results. Read more about Conscious Disciplines 25 years of award winning classroom management here. You could be the best parent in the entire world, but you shouldn’t have to be EVERYTHING your child needs. Trust professionals.
Lastly, there has been an argument against SEL because of the idea that teaching emotional regulation and empathy for others has somehow become 'a vehicle for this quote-unquote 'social justice activism' and the indoctrination of controversial ideas related to race, sexuality and even gender and identity.'
First of all, asking a child if they feel like they belong and teaching them how to react with understanding over anger in an argument is (hopefully) unrelated to any political agenda. We are hoping to help our children learn to communicate better. We are hoping to help offer a strong, assertive foundation based in self-actualization and the knowledge that you can only control yourself, not others. These are teachings based in ancient stoic philosophy. They are not new, and they have withstood the test of time.
Second of all, we at Common Ground firmly stand for our neighbors of every race, ethnicity, socio-economic status, sexuality, gender identity, etc. If understanding our own feelings and empathizing with the feelings of others is “controversial,” so be it.
Help us create a kinder world. Help us create a world more rooted in reason and focused problem solving.
We can love our parents, our teachers, our friends with all our hearts and still acknowledge that our old methods of teaching and parenting were flawed. We can love ourselves and understand that our CURRENT methods of teaching and parenting are flawed. Let’s continue growing together.
Love Love Love,
LJ and your Common Ground Family