Emotional Resilience - The First Days of School
The First Day of School is FULL OF EMOTIONS!
And not just from our students! Teachers, Parents, Bus Drivers, Admins, even pets feel the change in our schedules.
Flip flops are exchanged for sneakers. Swimsuits and goggle are exchanged for books and pens. There are new routines, new friends, new rules.
Here at Common Ground we experience the beginning of school from all sides. A lot of our school-aged kids have been with us since they were babies! When they get off the bus, all we want to see is a HUGE, confident smile on their faces after a long, successful day.
Brace yourselves, friends, because the reality is, they are just as likely to come off the bus crying. If it’s not the first day, it may be the fifth, or the ninth day when the novelty wears off and the anxiety and fatigue kicks in.
It is totally normal for a kid to be bewildered, overwhelmed, or even angry about what seem to you to be the littlest things.
Even so, this can be a lot to process. In the moment, you may not know what to do or say! Having experienced this ourselves with LOTS of kids as teachers and parents, we have some perspective and tips to share with you.
FOCUS ON THE WHOLE.
When you ask your child how their day went, we know you really, really just want for it to have all gone well. It hurts your heart when the first thing (or the only thing) they bring up are all the bad and sad things that happened to them! You might be inclined to say “let’s focus on the good things! forget the bad, tell me the good!” in an effort to help reshape their perspective. Ignoring the bad does not change their perspective. It just makes them feel like those feelings are shameful, or that they’re wrong for feeling that way. They may even try to hide their worries and negative feelings from you. Worries and negative feelings are as natural as victories and good feelings, and should be honored with the same weight.
Allowing each child to speak. One of the tricks we noticed works really well with kids, especially if there are multiple kids around the dinner table who want to share bits from their day, is to take turns sharing one thing at a time. We go around the table and share one good thing each, then one bad thing, then one weird thing. We keep going around until everyone is shared out.
The round robin mentioned above may not work if a kiddo has a big worry or problem to share. They also may not want to share it with an audience! Taking them one-on-one for a moment to let them talk it all out may be required before they can even focus on finding a good thing to share. Whether you are comforting them, helping them find a solution, or just simply honoring their feelings, you are letting them be heard. That is sometimes all they need.
Finding good things to say about the day is still important. Sometimes we are inclined to give more attention to issues and worries because we are trying to honor them! This is good, but we want to be engaged with their positive stories too. When they are sharing, be sure to give them your full attention. Ask questions, give them specific feedback, show you are interested! We have found that having a specific “cell-phone parking” place for these conversations is incredibly helpful for everyone involved. We get so much more out of something that has our complete attention.
Remember: What you focus on, you get more of. Giving each share equal value and weight will encourage them to share everything, not just the things that get them the most praise or comfort. It will help them honor their day with a more objective perspective.
Whatever they share, the good, the bad, and the weird, show your gratitude. Thank them for sharing their whole day with you, and for discussing solutions for any sticky bits! This will remind them that, no matter what, you are a safe space. Don’t forget to share YOUR day with them too! Your victories, your frustrations (obviously ones they can handle and help with), and moments when you felt you weren’t your best. This reminds them that you are human, that you are not perfect, and certainly do not expect your loved ones to be.
THERE IS NO “PERFECT.”
There are no perfect days. There are no perfect people. Perfect is an enemy of the Good, and expecting perfection only leads to disappointment. THIS IS NOT A NEGATIVE STATEMENT! This is freeing, and empathetic, and forgiving. It allows for a day to be GOOD even if a bunch of things didn’t go right. It allows for a friend to be a good friend even if they don’t alway get along. It allows for a child to know they are amazing, no caveats required. We are all intimately familiar with fear of failure. We all know those days where it feels like one misstep spoils the rest of the dance. It is incredibly hard to remember, when we are upset, to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to not take others’ actions personally.
Scenario 1: Your child is upset because they feel like their teacher did not call on them as much as other people. Honor that feeling! Let them know that it may very well be true. But also remind them that Teachers are not perfect. Remind them that it’s their teacher’s first week of school with nineteen new children they need to get to know, so maybe they just made a mistake! This lets the child know that it’s not a “vs. them” situation, that they can give their trusted adults the benefit of the doubt.
Scenario 2: Your child is upset because they had friction with their friend. This is disappointing! This is uncomfortable! No one likes this, and let them know that. Remind them that friction is normal, and is important for growth and learning to talk to each other with honesty. Remind them that our friends have bad days too, and they are learning to express themselves too. EVERYTHING TAKES PRACTICE, including friendship!
Scenario 3: Your child is mad at you because, while you were running late for the bus this morning, you snapped at them to put on their shoes. Apologize. Let them know that parents are not perfect. This is a good reminder for you too. you are not perfect! Forgive yourself, practice, and grow. Let your child know that you were frustrated, that you should not have acted that way, and encourage them to discuss solutions with you for how to avoid rushing in the morning. This is where you could encourage them to, perhaps, have their shoes on by a certain time. This empowers them with responsibility, and creates a “team” out of a blame/vs. situation.
WHAT WE CAN CONTROL/WHAT WE CAN’T CONTROL: We cannot make others feel or act the way we want them to. But that means they cannot make us feel or act any particular way either. Kids want control over their world as much as we do, and they want us to help them find peace within themselves. We cannot MAKE them feel happy or grateful or confident. We can help them find the tools to do that on their own.
Check out our posts on DEEP BREATHS to help you and your kiddos regulate your own emotions.
We cannot control how others feel and react. Work hard to hope for the best for everyone in your life. WISH WELL.
TOOLS OF THE TRADE: We don’t have all the answers! Check out some of these resources that we recommend to help with emotional resilience, gratitude, conflict resolution, and communication. This list will be updated often, so come and check it out!:
Chrysanthemum: A First Day of School Book by Kevin Hankes: Chrysanthemum thinks her name is absolutely perfect—until her first day of school. "You're named after a flower!" teases Victoria. "Let's smell her," says Jo. Chrysanthemum wilts. What will it take to make her blossom again?
Ninja Life Hacks: Books for Emotions and Feelings: Life is tough. But so are you! The new children’s book series, Ninja Life Hacks, was developed to help children learn valuable life skills. Fun, pint-size characters in comedic books easy enough for young readers, yet witty enough for adults.
Ninja Life Hacks: Books for a Growth Mindset: The new social emotional learning children's book series, Ninja Life Hacks, was developed to help children learn valuable life skills. Fun, pint-size characters in comedic books easy enough for young readers, yet witty enough for adults.
Doggyland - Kids Songs and Nursery Rhymes: Snoop Dog is ready to use his vast talents to teach our kids social-emotional skills!
Essential Bluey Episodes: Bluey is an amazing children’s show on Disney+ with some incredibly key episodes for overcoming emotional obstacles:
Bin Night: Bingo is being teased by a new child in her class, and has conversations about it with her parents over the course of a month.
Bike: When Bluey becomes frustrated with riding her bike, her dad, Bandit, has Bluey watch her little sister Bingo and friends trying difficult things.
Dance Mode and Yoga Ball: Dance Mode and Yoga Ball are all about finding your voice and standing up for your feelings, especially with people you love!
Pass the Parcel: This is an episode about learning that disappointment is a natural feeling when losing, but that it does not have to define your fun!
Most importantly, keep an open channel of communication with you and your teachers! Conscious Discipline’s idea of “The School Family” insists up on the fact that you, your child, and your child’s teacher all want the same thing: For Students to grow up safe, healthy, happy, and confident. Giving each other honesty, communication, and the benefit of the doubt is key to strengthening those bonds and giving your child a firm foundation.
What kind of obstacles did your child have on the first day of school? How did you handle them? What kind of tools do you wish you or your child have? Let us know in the comments!
